Healing = Speaking

For the past several weeks, I have shared some of the emotional and psychological context behind each of the interviews conducted for “a final peace”. In the 18-months that it took to finish the film, I learned more about my family than at any other time in my life. I also learned how much I didn’t know.

If there is an underlying message or theme to the film, it is this: get to know your family. Get to know your kids. When I think back to when my aunt Tina was molested the first time, it is clear that after her experience she began to show emotional signs of the abuse. The same is true of my uncle Tommy, my cousin Jason, and me as well. We all showed emotional signs of our abuse. 

Thus, the admonishment to all parents and stewards of children is to get to know your kids. Be attentive to any dramatic changes in their personalities or emotional behavior. Most children are fairly transparent when things are going wrong. Even teenagers will manifest some type of behavioral response to violence in their lives. But we will not see the signs unless we know our children’s individual personalities.

We cannot always be there to shield the ones we love from harm. Even though we do our best we are not always successful. Sometimes events overwhelm us and we are left to deal with the emotional wreckage and pain. When this happens, open communication is absolutely vital. That is the moral of the film. Incest, pedophilia, sexual abuse of any kind will ruin your life if you don’t talk about it. If you don’t endeavor to heal yourself you will always be a slave to the memory. Healing begins with talking about it openly and honestly.

I am forever grateful that I was able to make this film. I can honestly say that it has changed my life forever and for the better. In addition to what I learned about my family, and myself, I also learned how to make a film. But more importantly, I was able to demonstrate to other victims that there is no shame in surviving or, in speaking out.

When Love is not Enough.

Perhaps the most tragic figure of all those I interviewed for "a final peace" is my aunt Candy. Though she was not molested or abused in any way, she still suffered tremendously because of Tom, and I would say, more than anyone else.


My aunt has always been the "cool aunt". The one who never judged but always tried to encourage, the one who loved when no one else would. But it is this very attitude that led her down the path where she was forced to choose between a brother she cared for dearly, and the children she loved more than anything else.


Of all of the family that loved and cared for Tommy, Aunt Candy was his favorite. Throughout his life, she was the one thing he could depend on. If he needed a place to stay or money, or just someone to care about him, she was there.


Even after he abused her children, and she swore she would never have anything to do with him again, she continued to have contact with him till the day he died. That is her nature, and Tommy loved her for it.


As a father, I cannot imagine the internal turmoil she must have endured when she found out what had happened to her kids. And as the interview clip for this week reveals, she still feels the pain, even three decades later.


If there is anything to be learned from my aunt's example it is that sometimes, love is not enough when the damage runs too deep. Despite our best efforts and intentions, we can still get hurt when we try to help someone who is broken.


Despite the suffering she endured as a result of her unwavering kindness and loyalty, in my opinion, we need more people like her in the world, not less.


The clip I chose for this week's blog contains the first words my aunt has ever spoken regarding what happened and how she feels about her decisions. It also provides compelling insight into the internal controversy she continues to feel to this day.

Generous to a Fault


Last January, my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. To call such a feat ‘remarkable’ is to understate the obvious. In this day and age, it is not remarkable for two people to stay married for 50 years, it is Herculean.

If you were to ask my parents for the key to their success, they would probably talk about having a good sense of humor, being a good listener, and learning to be supportive of one another through the good times and bad. But one thing they may not point to is their generous spirit.

Growing up, I had numerous opportunities to see my parents’ generosity in practice. They were always the first to offer their home to family members who had fallen on hard times; like my uncle before he went into the Navy. Most of the time, their kindness was appreciated by the recipients, and not used as an opportunity to take advantage of their kind nature. But now and again, as in the case of my uncle, their generosity resulted in personal heartache.

Prior to the film, my parents were unaware of the full extent of my uncle’s criminal behavior. They knew that he was a thief, a drug addict, and that as a child, he had been a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of his father. They also knew that while he was living in their home, he had behaved inappropriately towards me in a sexual way.

What they did not know was how their generosity had facilitated his sexual deviance, or  how they may have been able to stop him before he sexually abused my cousins. That revelation has caused them both a great deal of sadness, which is reflected in the clips chosen for this week’s blog.

The fact that both cared a great deal for Tommy and sought to help him to improve his situation in life is a testament to the kind of people they are. That he, in turn, abused their loving concern is not proof that they were wrong to share their home with someone in need. Instead, it demonstrates that we can never know someone’s true intentions, even when such are considered “close family”. And that sometimes ‘pursuing a higher path’ means taking risks that could have unforeseen and traumatic consequences.

Nevertheless, I continue to admire my parents for holding true to their generous nature, in spite of what happened with my uncle. Even though what resulted may have been a parent’s worst nightmare, I feel they should never regret their efforts to help. It is my firm belief that if all of the adults in my uncle’s life had been as kind and generous, there is no doubt he would have taken a completely different course.